i received word that you will indeed be at the celebratory anniversary mass at my workplace, and i felt a deep sadness well up within me. the reason(s) escapes me – perhaps the idea that after all this while not talking, i can still read you after all, and know you’d want to be around for such an event. perhaps upset to know that this is the very first time in more than a year where I’ve received tangible information about where you’ll be, and i can’t be there. to have to take pains to avoid you because you’ve gone out of your way to shut me out.
do you know what i fear? im afraid to go to work on monday morning and find on my table the cards, letters and birthday presents I’ve mailed over the past year. dropping them off because it’s convenient to. to scorn and to spurn me, as if silence and indifference wasn’t enough.
don’t do that to me; I’ve loved you too hard and too long to bear it.